Wrong way - turn back

Once a month starting August, I will have to gather my wits on a Monday night, jump into my little black mobile and hurtle down dimly lit roads to cover council meetings in the township of Melton Shire.

I’m incorrigible when it comes to reading maps, understanding my bearings, finding my way to distant and faraway places. When I’m alone in the car and the road ahead suddenly looks fretfully unfamiliar, my heart beats so loud and so fast I turn down the radio just so I can concentrate on relocating my whereabouts on the Melway.

I can't help but laugh at my predicament sometimes: that someone like me would end up in a profession like this. Everything I’ve been called to do as a journalist an antithesis of how I’ve been shaped and brought up as an only child.

I grew up in a culture of love and fear. A loving mum who, for the best intentions, feared too much to allow me to venture into unknown territory – or run even the remotest risk of falling into any form of potential danger.

Thus, I never knew how to get around in Singapore. The little silver Nissan March dad bought was for the sole purpose of ferrying me to and from school, my four-time-a-week badminton training regime, tuition, birthday parties.

Not that I noticed or felt the tight reigns of mum’s ‘control’. Dad’s personal turmoil kept him busy at work. He was happy with his friends, with a mug of beer constantly in his hand, seated at the bar stool in pubs and private clubs, chatting with waiters and waitresses, bartenders and barmaids. It was a home away from home.

Mum and I had each other. She was my playmate, confidante and friend. Every minute of my life was accountable towards her, every thought and intention passing through my mind made known to her. And for all the monsters that have been created out of her debilitating fears, I love and cherish her dearly.

Perhaps this gift of writing, and the call to write, is the double-edged sword bequeathed to me by an all-knowing Creator King as part of His redemptive purposes. The monsters will remain, only that they may train my hands for war and my fingers for battle with a weapon that cuts both ways; for the faith within me stubbornly insists that we are not fated to be just the sum of our generational ties, the hapless victim of the shortfalls of our forefathers.

To trace it back, surely the default would be to be conformed to be like Christ, if we were made to reflect His image and His likeness in the first place?

Fatherlessness

Adolescent education expert Bill Jennings said the growing epidemic of "fatherlessness" – where dads were increasingly absent either physically or emotionally – had led to negative patterns in young men, such as suicide, violence and drug abuse.

-- Herald Sun, Better Dads Better Lads

It didn't quite come as a surprise to me, when I came across this article in the Herald Sun. But it did make my heart sink, as I pondered the quandary of the state of our generation: many of us fatherless, not just in the physical sense, but in every other sense too.

Fatherhood was something that was always awkward with dad. Beneath the starched shirt and handsome suit, hid a boy that was still wrestling with the irrevocable void left behind by his father who died from disease when he ventured out from China, Indonesia and then to Singapore, as an enterprising youngster.

A steely and fiesty woman, my grandmother raised him up single-handedly. Her strength and resolve brought security, safety and stability, but it was as big a part of the problem as it was the solution.

There was no initiation rite for dad as an adolescent boy to be ushered into manhood. Alone, he stumbled into marriage, family life and fatherhood. The responsibilities weighed upon him like lead, the expectations that came along with it, he found suffocating. The inner turmoil he knew not how to articulate grew like cancer, and his drink and drunkeness eventually claimed his life some thirty years later.

Perhaps this is what we hear spoken of as the 'generational curse'. The shortfalls and less than favourable circumstances that leave us feeling somewhat handicapped and disadvantaged.

But may the curse of our forefathers be broken as we stop and listen, and allow the blood of Christ to wash over us, as we contemplate His purpose and what He is seeking to accomplish in our world and through our lives.

All things work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to the Creator's purpose. May His strength be made perfect in our weaknesses.

Help

Psalm 124
A song of ascents. Of David.

1 If the LORD had not been on our side—
let Israel say—

2 if the LORD had not been on our side
when people attacked us,

3 they would have swallowed us alive
when their anger flared against us;

4 the flood would have engulfed us,
the torrent would have swept over us,

5 the raging waters
would have swept us away.

6 Praise be to the LORD,
who has not let us be torn by their teeth.

7 We have escaped like a bird
from the fowler's snare;
the snare has been broken,
and we have escaped.

8 Our help is in the name of the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

The psalmist, and not only the psalmist but all God’s people, had been under vicious attack. What words depict the strength of the attack they had to endure?

Swallowed alive
Violent anger
Flood of rage
Drowned by the torrent
Wild, raging water
Torn by their teeth
Fowler’s snare


What would have been their destiny if God had not rescued them (vv.3-6)?

They would have been swallowed alive, engulfed by the torrent, swept away by the raging waters, and torn by the enemy’s teeth.


Gnashing teeth, raging floods and treacherous snares were part of the psalmist’s reality. How are they part of the reality you are facing now? (They make take the form of persecutions, temptations, physical problems, conflicts or anything else that threatens your faith.)

The flood of regret that threatens to swallow me up, the skeletons in my closet, the monsters under by bed. Individually and collectively, they sometimes have the power to evoke enough fear and shame in me to make me hang my head low, not daring to stare into the gaze of our gracious and loving God.

These echoes are especially amplified within the hollow four walls of this monastery. And even from within and without, there is nothing I can do to stop tongues from wagging. Underneath the habit, I still feel like the harlot.


To what does the psalmist compare their escape (v.7)?

A snare, is a trap for catching birds or animals – typically one having a noose of wire or cord. The escape has been likened to a bird escaping the hunter/captor’s trap. But not just a lucky escape – “the snare has been broken”, said the psalmist. It was an escape that would have otherwise been impossible had it not been for help from the outside. Someone had broken the captor’s trap.


When and how has the Lord helped you persevere in dangerous times?

The times where I’ve been most in danger have been those times where I’ve wondered and wavered If God was big enough to save me from my weaknesses and shortfalls. If I had enough faith to hold my head up to the world and find my worth in Christ sans the shame, guilt, condemnation.

Yes, the Lord, the make of heaven and earth, has helped me persevere in dangerous times as He opened my eyes to His purpose and will for humanity, and all of creation. Of course we are in difficult times right now. Of course we are drowning in our messed up lives and trapped in the chaos and conflict of humanity. But He has never left us nor forsaken us. His plans to restore us into His full image can be seen clearly enough through what Jesus has accomplished through His crucifixion, death and resurrection. God, who is the alpha and the omega, will finish what He started.

These promises, the faith, hope and love animated by His Spirit within me, is what keeps my eyes bright even when my wings are tangled in the fowler’s snare.


How does your history with the Lord give you hope that he will deliver you safely through danger?

Much of my life has been littered with pain and agony. I’m well acquainted with brokenness. I have also, in times past (and still now) made many mistakes, stumbled many people and caused grievous injury despite my good intentions.

Yet, experience has taught me that God works in many curious and creative ways. As long as we hold fast to His vision for His world and adhere and cooperate with His purpose for humanity, and understand that I have been made in His image, His likeness. Then, I shall find all things working together for good, to those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.

His strength shall be made perfect in my weakness. To each he gives a portion of his talents – some more, some less, but that is no matter. For it is good stewards He is after, who will be faithful with what has been given them, to invest them the best that he can. God still uses me in my weaknesses, and I thank God for that.


The last verse of the psalm proclaims, “Our help is in the name of the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” How is your trust in God affected by the knowledge that he is the Creator of all?

As I work through the news of the day, the events of our day, big and small – the knowledge that Yahweh is the Lord, the Creator of all, helps to keep everything in perspective. The cries of the people, the chaos of our world, the destruction of civilisations and nature, come together as the groans of creation itself subject to the pains of childbirth.

When I am stuck in the mire of gruesome reality, and the temptation is great to strive for my own significance, to make my name great, so I may be justified and held in esteem according to the principalities and powers of this culture and society we live in, of the 21st century west – I can continually take the posture of surrender, of adoration, emptying our palms of trinkets and playthings and holding them open to Him, for His kingdom to come and His will to be done.


Prayer

Dear Lord, this season of monastery is all the more bearable because I know you are for me and not against me. When the echoes of the past are amplified as I cut through the corridors and amble through halls and empty rooms, I would not be swallowed alive and torn into shreds by shame and regret because you will not have allowed it. You have broken in, and broken through the fowler’s snare. You, offer me a way of escape. You, offer me fresh hope. You, offer me a new way of seeing my world, your world. Amen.

Coming of age

Energy. It waxes and wanes, pulls you this way and that, keeps you going, or stops you in your tracks.

The pace seems to be picking up even within the cloistered halls of this monastery. Experiences and events that sweep through your world like a rushing wind so fast and so furious I can barely keep up, let alone pen them all down on paper. Even before the dust has time to settle, I pick up another collectable to stow away in my treasure chest of moments and memorables.

Two movies that touch on the same topic of religion and spirituality, yet treated in such stark and contrasting ways: Philip Groning's Into Great Silence and Heidi Ewing and Rachel Grady's Jesus Camp. Both equally painful to watch, but for very different reasons.

Sans camera crew, artificial lighting, music and commentary, Groning's documentary film on the Grande Chartreuse - the most austere and ascetic of monasteries hidden in the French Alps - is in itself a meditation and an exercise in the discipline of silence and solitude. Jesus Camp however, contains the familiar brushstrokes of the director's cut and hand, yet it is laced with enough truth to make you writhe, blush, cringe and agitate in your seat.

These are probably the least complex of memories to archive. Others remain much more elusive. The 'aha' moments that grip me in the middle of a song, as I rinse the suds from fragile bowls and plates, comb the tangles out of the my hair, cruise down long stretches of road in the twilight, rub shoulders with giants and trip over dwarves, pound the rubber concrete, cook up a storm, make coffee, pat the neighbour's cat.

The spare minutes, hours, and days thus become like a giant chessboard. Which piece shall I pick up? What move shall I make? Where will it take me? In circles? Victory? Defeat? Checkmate?

I look back at all 25 years of me and can't help but think about how most of us stumble our way into adulthood. The stumbling it seems, has everything to do with our growing up. Many errors, regrets and embarrassments later, I suddenly realise that the world is no longer at my feet. Like a bitter piece of chalk in my mouth, I develop a new taste for His mercy and grace.

I held a sizeable quarter-of-a-century remembrance in February this year. What I didn't count on was how different this year was going to be. It seems, or perhaps the better phrase would be, 'I feel' - I feel poised, to take a very different route from what I had originally set out on.

Like some sort of coming into being, coming into my own to find my own person, and to find a new way of relating to others, some with more reserve, and others with more openness, affection and vulnerability. Many curious acquaintance and friendships have been forged out of the most unlikely circumstances, and I'm loving it for the life of me. I've also been gripped by moments of nostalgia, thinking about figures and faces that are now but shadows in my memories. Where have all my primary, secondary and college mates gone? Who have we all variously and variedly grown up to become?

God knows what lies ahead.

I ramble and indulge. But perhaps this reflects exactly where I am. So many parts of my uncollected life now demanding my attention. And I wish I could build on all of them. My journalistic work, friendships and relationships, hobbies and interests, the spiritual life.

I have only so many mintues, hours and days.

Songs for the road, a note.

For those wondering what's going on with the seeming arbitrary set of questions that have arisen from the psalter reading earlier, this is an afterthought that might help put some context to it.

A handful of pilgrims have recently embarked on a journey uphill. The songs we have taken with us for the road belong to a collection called the Songs of Ascents, numbered 120 through to 134 in the book of Psalms.

"These fifteen songs were likely sung, possibly in sequence, by Hebrew pilgrims as they went up to Jerusalem to the great worship festivals. Jerusalem was the highest city geographically in Palestine, so all who travelled there spent much of their time ascending. But the ascent was not only literal, it was also a metaphor: the trip to Jerusalem acted out a life lived upward toward God, an existence that advanced from one level to another in developing maturity. What Paul described as 'the upward call of God in Christ Jesus' (Phil 3:14)."

As Eugene Peterson puts it, "there are no better 'songs for the road' for those who travel the way of faith in Christ... they provide a way to remember who we are and where we are going... If we learn to sing them well, they become a vade mecum [a book for ready reference] for a Christian's daily walk."

We have used Peterson's help to guide us through these meditations, which use these tunes for stimulus, encouragement and guidance. Published by InterVarsity Press, it's a short six-study series titled Perseverance: A Long Obedience in the Same Direction. I'm also reading the compendium Life at its Best: A Guidebook for the Pilgrim Life.

For those who are familiar with Peterson, the man who has also been responsible for The Message bible translation which many so love, you'll find the companion book A Long Obedience in the Same Direction/Life at its Best an easy read, albeit insightful and meditative. I've included the questions we've used for the meditations for those who'd like to join us on this journey.

Repentance

Psalm 120
A song of ascents.

1 I call on the LORD in my distress,
and he answers me.

2 Save me, O LORD, from lying lips
and from deceitful tongues.

3 What will he do to you,
and what more besides, O deceitful tongue?

4 He will punish you with a warrior's sharp arrows,
with burning coals of the broom tree.

5 Woe to me that I dwell in Meshech,
that I live among the tents of Kedar!

6 Too long have I lived
among those who hate peace.

7 I am a man of peace;
but when I speak, they are for war.

Throughout this passage, what words and phrases reveal how the writer feels about his society?

The opening of the Psalm says it all. You can sense his desperation as he cries out to God for help. He is clearly distressed. Phrases like "save me", "woe to me", "too long have I lived..." and the contrast between "war"and "peace" seems to suggest that he is immersed in an evironment that is unduly chaotic, harsh - a culture of deceit, scaremongering, strife and conflict that he must fight against.

As the Psalmist begins the ascent toward God's temple in Jerusalem, what does he feel distressed about (vv.1-2)?

Lying lips and deceitful tongues. In the Message translation it reads, "Deliver me from the liars, God. They smile so sweetly but lie through their teeth." I wonder if this isn't what we call hypocrisy in today's terms of reference.

What does he ask the Lord to do for him in his distress?

Salvation is what he asks for. He aks the Lord to save him. Curiously, he doesn't exactly ask God to punish them. Not in the same way many of us find ourselves doing in our own times of distress - still smouldering in anger, hurt and resentment, we rain down our judgement and condemnation, and ask God to punish so-and-so because he is the bad guy and deserves it.

I sense a subtle discernment about the Psalmist in this instance. He is aware that his salvation from society's ills comes from the Lord - not in his own ability to exact judgement or punishment. God is the judge, and the Psalmist seems certain of God's will - that liars and hypocrites, those intent on perpetrating war and conflict, these actions are what He will not tolerate.

Note the strong imagery of the punishments in verse 4. Why do you think the deceitful tongue deserves such harsh punishment?

I'm reminded about the way we've been called to live. A faith that is outworked into our lives - that is neccessarily from the inside out. Out of the abundance of our hearts. The fruit that is borne of the Spirit of God that dwells in us.

To borrow the Message translation's figure of speech, these liars smile sweetly but in reality lie through their teeth. This I think, is revealing of the substance that makes them who they are. Hearts that have a divergent intent. They comes across as well-meaning, they deceive others into believing their words and acting upon that false knowledge. But inside, they know better than anyone else.

The highest standard we've been called to live according to is the standard that Christ has set for us. Our ability to lay our lives down for another. Loving your neighbour as yourself. Cheating, lying, deceiving others is obviously antithetical to His purpose and will for humanity, and contrary to what it would look like to reflect His image and His likeness.

How are your own feelings about sin like or unlike what the Psalmist expresses?

I like the opening line in The Message. "I'm in trouble. I cry to God, desperate for an answer.
Sin, I remind myself, is not just about what people do right or wrong. Sin is essentially, and most importantly, focused on the idea of falling short of the mark - of the purpose and destiny of the Creator - and anything deviant from that would only bring about a desperate wandering in the wilderness.

I identify with the Psalmist when it comes to my experinces of living in a world of chaos. The questions asked in the introduction have been probing. What aspects of my world do I find distressing or unsatisfying? Fortunately, I'm able to strike a thick bold line across items like "community" off the list - for it has been within Life Expedition's community of grace, of fellow pilgrims on this spiritual journey that I have recovered a sense of God's purpose and destiny for my life, and opened up my eyes to His vision for this good earth.

By saying this, I of course seem to be suggesting there is this "world" we share within the spiritual community of believers, and there is the "outside world".

Like the Psalmist, I am beginning to realise that my salvation is from the Lord. I am in need of saving: from the messages that assail me each day, trying to entice me, convince me and persuade me to buy into different products and services. Marketing strategies that sell me a concept or an idea that is essentially false. Companies that care more for their bottom-line and would do anything to achieve it, which includes deceiving the consumer.

I feel so powerless to effect change in a culture and society that has little appreciation for the Creator's purpose. Quite the opposite, for easily, we can come across as religious bigots, stuffy minsters, backward, conservative and traditional people who have not moved on with the times.

How does the sin the Psalmist identifies in verse 6-7 compare or contrast with the sin in verses 1-2?

Lying, deceit, hypocrisy, these are the symptoms of a different order, a different vision for the world. It stops those who wish for peace from living a life of peace. And as we live among those who hate peace, we can only call upon the Lord in our distress. He answers the prayers for those who wish for peace. - whose purposes are in line with His purposes and will for humanity and all of creation.

Sometimes sins that are rooted deep in our culture are difficult to identify - and may take deep root in us. How has this been true for you?

Again, when I think about sin as fallen short of His purpose for His image-bearers like you and me, I think about the many variant "messages of salvation" I have subconsciously bought into. Inherently, we are a self-conscious generation. I have grown up in a culture where the badges we wear say everything about who we are. Your profession, the salary you draw, the way you look, what you wear, the kind of education you have received, where you come from, the manner of your speech, the guy/girl you date/court/marry... the list goes on.

In my head I may know that God looks upon us and judges us quite differently from society does, and even more intimately, and heartbreakingly, the way our families deem us to be successful or not. Many times, I find myself trying so hard to please/win the approval of those close to me, as if my life depended upon it.

Sometimes I wonder if my motivations for doing the things I do need to be tested to see if they hold water, and pass muster for the reasons i say I am doing them for. When I go to the gym for example, and watch what I eat - do I care more that this body is the temple of God and I am to be a good steward of it, or is it because I'm worried of being shunned, laughed at, despised? Do I fear losing friends if I weren't the way I looked right now?

It's never really one or the other. We're usually all a mixed bag. Or at least I am. Each day is a new day to wrestle with my inconsistencies and to change my way of thinking.


How does the Psalmist think and act decisively about sin?

First and foremost, he calls upon the Lord for his salvation. He doesn't mince his words. He recognises the destructiveness that believing in a different message brings. He wants nothing to do with it.