This Silence

Out of the depths I cry to you, LORD;

Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

If you, LORD, kept a record of sins,
Lord, who could stand?

But with you there is forgiveness,
so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins

It is peaceful here in the safety of this monastery. Never thought I'd be stepping back in here - not so soon anyway. Nonetheless, I'm grateful for this safe haven, this refuge, this hiding place.

I vividly remember scenes from Philip Groning's Into Great Silence. I watched that sometime back in June. Where the Carthusian monks from the Grande Chartreuse perched on the French Alps meditate upon the Scriptures, the Psalms. Diligently, earnestly, wholeheartedly, they meditate and pray.

I'm beginning to understand the wisdom of immersing oneself so wholeheartedly in the one great hope we have in a life that's fraught with uncertainty, injustice, holy discontent. At the time of the movie's screening, I wondered to myself. What would drive ordinary men like them - some so full of humour, wit, eloquence and charm, not to mention family and friends - into a life of such austerity, of such great silence, into monastery? What did they give up?

Maybe now I've come closer to knowing. For it is in this space that I may let go of my own dreams and ambitions, the desire for progress, milestones, achievements, the pride in my knowledge of good and evil. In this space, I have no distractions to latch onto, no drugs to numb me, no daggers to wield in defense, no temporal pleasures to indulge in.

In this silence I have just one hope. The hope that our Lord is mighty to save. To save us from our sins. To save us all from our sins. To redeem, resurrect, restore, and put this world to right. In this silence, His forgiveness and grace fills the void, empty and barren places. He strengthens me in my weakness.

I wait for the morning.